In between sleep and wakefulness, I dream of a place where laughter isn’t wicked, where my soul isn’t cold, a place where the shadows don’t dance and watch me with curiosity…. If I’m lucky I’ll find peace in the empty state unconsciousness, maybe then I’ll live to smile and drift out of sight.
I’m listening to this song, it’s about hope and heartache and my heart aches for you, then I remember this is seasonal depression and I’ll be Okay
The soft melody of this song doesn’t help me calm down at all,its like everything came crushing down, I tried to hold it in I promise I did but it felt like multiple knives were being driven into my heart tearing up every warmth and every happy memory that I had so much held on to was snatched away.
Then out of nowhere there you were,picking me up piece by piece stitching me up and in that moment I wished you weren’t a dream, you held on to me so delicately so lightly, no one had ever shown me so much care. For once I wasnt the rugged doll, I was like a porcelain doll.
And I loved you, I loved you, I really loved you, I did, I still do,but I wasn’t prepared.. You didn’t tell me while you picked me up, you were breaking,
Why didn’t you let me in?, you let the storm wreck you, you left me all alone, empty,bitter for not being there for you as you were for me, guilty, I don’t even know why.
Everywhere I go you are there, from the lingering smell of your cologne, to the empty seat at dinner, to the silence, you always brought a smile on my face, now I’m left hating everything that ever brought me happiness.
My pillow is filled with tears, I don’t know how to sleep without you holding me on to me, stroking my hair…and I can’t stop remembering, your cold eyes, your cold hands when I found you hanging from our favourite tree, one that held so many happy memories, now I can’t even go there without seeing your cold haunting dead eyes.
And I don’t know if I should hate you for having the courage to do something I would never be able to do, or be happy for you because I know you are at a place you wanted to be.
And as I sit here at your grave, I’m wishing that all this is a dream and I’ll wake up and you’ll be here with me, happy and alive. I’m scared that if I let you go, you’ll only become a distant memory, I need you to be part of me.