You wake up like every other day, slowly but longingly hoping to see her. You saw her yesterday but that wasn’t enough. You will see her today but it won’t be enough. Somehow seeing her is pointless but you live for it.
The mornings are quiet, too quiet, so you open your playlist and head straight to ‘ROTD III’ and put the songs on shuffle before getting in the shower. You have to be in school by eight o’clock so the cold shower has to be short.
With your shivering hands and gnashing teeth, you light the cooker and boil some water for your tea and some to carry later to school, you can never be too safe. As the pot gets heated, you put on some clothes. You don’t like your fashion sense but you are broke so huna uwezo. You take your breakfast quickly and throw on your overall because today you will be working in the field.
You get to school just before time and get your equipment and with your group you go to the field assigned to you where you work till noon.
Time to see her. You hope to see her at the campus cafeteria so you hurry and make your usual order, rice with bean stew and a bottle of green apple soda, it’s your favorite.
There she is, sitting with a couple of her group’s members. She looks up and smiles and waves at you. You wave back and suddenly you’re not hungry anymore. The day is now complete but your mind still races.
“Why don’t they come to your table like in the movies?”
You should go over and sit with her. You really should but you don’t. So you go to another table and make fun of your friend because his meals never fail to include egg curry. This time once, he had to be forced not to include it after losing a bet. Your heart isn’t thumping at your ribcage anymore.
You peck at your meal till it’s done. She eats slowly so you both finish at the same time. You leave first to head to the taps to wash your hands. She’s also coming to the taps so you pretend you haven’t seen her yet and continue rubbing your hands in the running water. You feel a hand tap your neck. She likes to do that. You see her again and she’s smiling. You say hi and she responds and you smile.
Conversation doesn’t come easily to you. You’re silent. Some say too silent. Truth is, you don’t mind the silence. But her standing there makes your stomach knot. You should say more but your mouth doesn’t move, your chest is now burning with the words you’d like her to hear. But, you’ve said it all before. Three months ago when you broke up. She needed time to reevaluate all her choices and you believe in living life always looking forward. So you joined the list of things that didn’t make the cut.
You’ve said it all twice since and saying it a fourth time wouldn’t make any difference. You’d rather not hear the speech again. So you’re just happy you see her even though you die inside each time. You will see her tomorrow again and the day after that. With luck, tomorrow you’ll forget to look.